Seriously so frustrated. Lately I've been feeling more and more incompetent as a mother and at Ava's checkup yesterday, the incompetence built even more. I know that the things Ava has to overcome are WAY small compared to others, but right now they feel like huge mountains to me.
Obstacle #1: Ava has ridiculously dry skin. Turns out she doesn't do well with the cheap stuff. We've just switched to Aveeno baby lotion and so far found that it works the best. It's still hard to see her skin peeling because it's so dry. Luckily, it doesn't bug her too much.
Obstacle #2: Horrible diaper rash. Ava has had the diaper rash that never ends. It is so huge and inflamed. Again, luckily, it doesn't bother her too much. She is such a champ. But, we've had to get her on a prescription for that as well.
Obstacle #3: Hemangioma. Ava has a large red blotch on her back. It wasn't there when she was a newborn but it started showing up around 2 weeks. It has been getting bigger and puffier. It almost looks like someone cut a raspberry in half and glued it on her back. It's not something that bugs her but if it doesn't start to go away on it's own, it will have to be lasered off.
Obstacle #4: Reflux. Turns out she's not a "happy puker". Mind you, she still thinks it's hilarious when she pukes. This is the obstacle I am having the hardest time with. Feelings of guilt and frustration keep getting larger. We thought it was a bit unusual how much Ava puked but she never cried with any of it and she seemed to be gaining weight. Here in the past week or so, the puke has been getting out of control. There would be projectile vomit everywhere, every time she ate. If I pump, and give her a bottle, she doesn't puke nearly as much. But, when I nurse her, it's an explosion. Pumping has been such a hassle and I haven't been able to find a decent pump and it takes so much time that I just don't bother with it. So at the appointment yesterday, they weighed her. She gained weight, but not as much as she should have been. Please stamp a big FAILURE across my forehead. So now, Ava is on a new medicine that will hopefully help with the reflux. I am also having to pump all the time now, which means my schedule every day consists of pumping for half an hour, feeding Ava for half an hour, keeping Ava propped up for another half an hour, having an hour to get things done, then back to pumping. On top of that, I'm feeling (weirdly enough) so sad not to have that nursing time with Ava.
So there you have it, my frustration as a mother. It makes me so sad to thing of all these little obstacles that are out of Ava's power to take care of. As sad as I feel, I also feel really blessed that what she has are things that are pretty easily cared for. I am so grateful for my beautiful baby who somehow has the patience to deal with me and is still somehow the happiest, smiliest baby I have ever seen.
You are NOT a failure, friend. Just like Ava has obstacles, you have things to learn. You cannot beat yourself up for not knowing these things, have you ever been a mom before?! Nope. So, you're fine. Don't be so sad. You're doing a GREAT job. She's just beautiful.
ReplyDeleteDude, I know exactly what you mean about feeling like a failure. Isaac has only gained 2 ounces in the last month. It makes me sick to my stomach when I realize my cousin's one week old baby is bigger that my 6 month old.
ReplyDeleteWe deal with reflux too, except it's the silent kind where they don't puke and instead just cry and have seizures. But I'm glad you were able to get her on medicine. It helps so much!
I think we all have those days where we feel like we aren't good enough, and that we aren't doing enough for our babies. But in reality, you are a great mother. The fact that you care so much shows it!
Welcome to life as a mom! Especially the first year... at least that's how I feel the first year. I have to have Zach to keep me balanced. :) Each of my kids had weird things, different ones every time, of course. Hyrum was bowlegged,Weston had horrible acne (as a baby!) and Afton has a crooked head we are STILL trying to work out. But, so far they have survived. They also still have dry skin, especially in the winter. My fix is right after baths, washing hands or faces, rub the lotion on and then put a layer of Aquaphor or Vaseline on Top of that. It keeps the moisture in. Of course, that works best if it's not eczema... You're doing fine and she's happy so don't stress it too much! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI think all problems will be solved if you move closer to your pediatrician.
ReplyDeleteDude! We have matching reflux babies! Probably shouldn't be celebrating that...but I completely get it. At least she's not bothered by it, it's completely awful when they are. What meds is she on? Jillian said to tell Ava puking is not very lady like and to cut it out! Also, I got a Modela double electric pump when I was nursing and loved it.
ReplyDeleteDon't get too discouraged. Reagan did the vomiting thing too, and pumping got to much, so I quit, and she did better on form. Wyatt is on a special form, and med for that. It will pass in time. Diaper rash sucks, I'm sorry! Does she get it where it peels off her skin? That's what Wy's does, and it bubbles, and bleeds. Gross. I know you know that none of these things makes you a bad Mom. But they really don't. At all. Hopefully there are better days ahead.
ReplyDeleteI found Eucerin, Cetaphil or pure lanolin worked best for the dry skin or eczema. some kids are just born with really bad skin. Annie broke her leg when she was two months old and they didn't cast it because she wasn't walking on it. Because of the pain it caused her when I held her against me to nurse she just cried and wouldn't nurse. So I quit. Guess what? She turned out all right. I spent just as much snuggly time with her as I did my breast fed babies. It's not the bottle or the breast that gives them the love--it's the mom. Pumping it out and then feeding it to her in a bottle sounds like way too much of a hassle and leads to a very tired and frustrated mother, which also makes baby a little unhappy too. Don't worry, you are a great mom. Life dishes out these things. You roll with the punches, deal with it and don't beat yourself up. I love following along with Ava as she grows. Ocassionally hearing about you and John is fun too. Merry Christmas.
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